I have no problem with winners getting things that losers don’t get. Medals of Participation should be called what they really are: Door Prizes. Thanks for showing up and giving Billy and Timmy someone to beat up for like an hour. Now go eat your free Nature Valley bars in the parking lot with the other kids who didn’t hit puberty early.
However, winners should be able to do whatever they want with their hard-earned prizes, and if that gives a losing teammate a piece of cake, so be it. There’s such a thing as a good winner, but don’t tell Nick Saban that.
The overlord of Crimson Tide football and leader of the men has a long-standing policy for the winners and losers of his spring game. If you win, you get a nice dinner with cake for dessert. But if you lose, all you get is lips, assholes, and a bunch of fiber, aka franks and beans. And god forbid a winner shows a teammate some love and good sportsmanship, because Saban will personally make sure you either eat your cake or throw it in the trash.
Admittedly, I wish Saban would be more energetic in refusing the cake to Malachi Moore and Cam Latu. It’s predictably good-natured among trainers and players on the Tide. Most of my anger is mock outrage, but at the same time, if I were to ask you which coach would use what sounds like a throwback to Logan Roy’s successor as a parent, most guesses would be “Nick Saban.”
Also, the way to go viral, Nick, is to snag the piece from Dallas Turner after he offered to spike the layered chocolate dessert onto the floor and have all three players lick the floor clean during the Down portion of 1,500 push UPS.
How can you expect to beat Georgia multiple times next year when everyone has been softened by good sportsmanship and calories? You don’t win national championships with good news and campfire stories. They are achieved through sweat, blood, recklessness and a healthy fear of failure.
If you have two kids and you pit them against each other in a one-on-one basketball game with a Twix bar on the line, don’t be proud of your moral compass when the winner offers one of their bars to the loser. Not in Alabama and not under Saban.
“Ah, how sweet, they share” is a phrase he never uttered or even thought. Remember this scene in The dark knight when the Joker kills the gang leader who has a bounty on his head, breaks a pool cue in half, and announces to the deceased leader’s leftover racquets that he’s holding “tryouts” to earn a spot on his “team”? So I assume the Spring Games in Alabama went down before they got televised.
Oklahoma is drilling to see who needs to move to UAB. Seven against seven for a spot in the dorms that aren’t next door racist greek houses. Rosa Klebb hits the lineman in the stomach with brass knuckles to see how well they handle pain. (Yes, I went to Greetings from Russia for that joke, so my apologies if a nearly 60-year-old James Bond reference didn’t land.)
Honestly, I have more trouble with the Franks and Beans part than withholding the cake from someone. Thanks for throwing in the slice of Wunderbrot, but can I just get the hot dog on a piece of white bread with the beans on the side? Forcing “physical students” to eat a meal normally reserved for kids who can barely use a fork is humiliating as hell.
And what if I want mustard on my dogs? Am I supposed to drizzle it like a maniac on a pile of Nathan’s Natural Casings and Bush’s Best?
It’s almost as crazy as forbidding your players from sharing the spoils of victory after a meaningless scrum.
