The Vegas Golden Knights miss the playoffs



picture: Getty Images

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Look at these stupid fuckers! They’re $10 million over the salary cap and still couldn’t make the top three in a division full of jerks and bondage! They couldn’t finish ahead of the kings! The Kings, led by Anze Kopitar and Drew Doughty, whose tires are so bare they make sparks on the ice! They weren’t even close to the kings! The Knights are miles behind the Edmonton Oilers, who have been hockey’s biggest pranksters for about five years! $92 million just doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Oh, we’ve heard all about it, knight. The injuries, the injuries, the injuries. The horror, the horror. Perhaps the injuries wouldn’t have mattered so much if the Knights’ rostering policy had been loan fraud. All the depth is elsewhere, which means a few boo-boos and suddenly you’re left with nothing but your own cock! Your 5th top scorer is Evgenii Dadonov, a player you tried to kick overboard at the cap close but couldn’t because you couldn’t read. How truly American.

But which team could overcome an injury to their goaltender, you say Knights fans? Yes, you are definitely the first team in history to find out that trusting Robin Lehner is a fool. Who could have told you? Oh that’s right, dammit everyone! Imagine him blowing his shoulder while trying to play goalie with a megaphone in hand to tell you what he thinks about everything. You should probably prepare for Lehner’s full-length interview this summer. You know it’s coming It’s all the more delicious that you just barely could have kept your promise to Marc-Andre Fleury, who everyone described as the nicest ice hockey player and whom you have already signed. Instead you said the end justifies the means and you have to be ruthless to win a trophy. There was no room for feelings. Maybe you do, maybe not, but you’re not going to find out, are you?

This organization became the NHL’s most ambitious for once catching lightning in a bottle when all the other GMs couldn’t figure out how an expansion draft worked. Suddenly, chasing every big ticket became confused with progressive thinking. Hey, here’s one for you: This is still the same team that lost to the goddamn Canadiens last year. The Canadiens are now the worst team in hockey.

Don’t worry Knights, it’s sure to get easier next season or the one after that when all your expensive trinkets get older and you run out of room for props. Their entire season ticket base comes from elsewhere. Once you stumble out of the gates next season, which will happen when Max Pacioretty and Mark Stone get injured trying to park in the player lot and their cars drive by within feet of each other, everyone will move on to something else. As cool as your pregame ceremonies are, they will have less impact in front of 10,000 enemy fans. And then Lehner will complain about a lack of support.

Their gold helmets look like Notre Dame Runoff, which is okay as this is another outfit that has no crap and isn’t going to win. Her owner constantly refers to the army like Buster Bluth. Alex Pietrangelo just slows down. Jonathan Marchessault will call this all cheating and still declare the Knights winners. Keep waiting for William Karlsson to shoot 25 percent again for a season. I’m sure it will work out at some point.

But you’ll be fine. The next few weeks will see plenty of sympathy articles from hockey writers who are just upset that they won’t be able to drink for free in the upcoming Vegas playoffs. They get even madder when the Predators eat it up with either the Flames or Avs in the first round, depriving hockey writers of their other favorite goal to participate in if it’s at the company’s expense.

Oh and Jack Acorn is a loser. Anyhow, thanks for your time.

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